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From the confines of my OPD, I glanced at the gentleman arguing with my staff at the reception.
He had walked into my eye clinic a couple of weeks back, brought along by his cheerful wife, whose friend was a patient of mine and had recommended my name (bless her!).
The gentleman had peculiar, if not bewildering, complaints.
They went something like this-
“Doctor, when I look to my right, I can see what is on my right but not to my left. And when I look to my left, I can see left and right if I turn my head from right to left slowly, but not quickly. And If I move my eyes quickly but keep my head steady, I can see everything but not above my head…”
He handed a fat file of papers from doctors he had consulted, left, right and centre. I began sifting through the pages. A clear clinical picture began to form in my mind….if only, he would stop.
He: “And if I lie down and look up, I cannot see down. And if I move…”
Me: What happens when you keep your eyes still and turn round and round? (Don’t laugh, silly. This is a legit test with neurological implications!)
He:(Turning round and round) My head is spinning, doctor!
Me: That is perfectly normal.
Him: ( Diassappointed) Ooh!
Me: Sir, why don’t we finish your examination first? Perhaps we will be able to understand your complaint better.”
A thorough clinical exam later (Doctor, you say I have spectacles and I am able to read with those glasses, but not without them…), he conducted by Viva Voce exam.
Could it be because I worry too much?
Could it be because there is too much pollution?
Could it be because my distant cousin, thrice removed, recently got a divorce?
Could it be because elections are approaching and we don’t have too many options?
Could it be because a fly sneezed somewhere in the US and as a result, there has been an earthquake outside my window?
And I answered them with tact (I think).
His wife smiled at me apologetically. More than once.
That was his first visit. He visited me twice subsequently, with minor problems that took three-quarters of an hour to sort. Mostly because there was too much information, and I had to separate the husk from the grain.
It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Except that the needle was in all likelihood a figment of imagination.(I dare not say, whose imagination.)
To cut a long story short, every visit was long drawn, while the next patient (noun) in line had to be patient (adjective).
And I was scared I would lose all other patients if he continued to visit me every so often.
The last time around, I asked for a higher fee. Given the excruciatingly long chair time consumed.
He began haggling with my receptionist. I stood firm- This was a detailed consultation with a battery of clinical tests being performed. His eyes smarted in anger, and I quote his words,
“But you did nothing, doctor.”
I pointed out the eye drops he was using were 160% of the fees I had asked for. (Doctor, money is never an issue. Write me the best medicine available. Is there something I can get imported from the US? That is still not available here? Do I get an MRI? Do you think I have cancer?).
He roared, scowled, paid, and left. In a limousine. He remains the only patient of mine who had a limousine.
I mean, has. He must still have one. Just that he is not my patient anymore!
This brings me to my question- what do doctors DO? Apart from obvious actions like writing out prescriptions, clinically examining, etc.
We play roles that have nothing to do with treating and everything to do with healing. Only, it is not part of our job description.
We Listen: To the heart-lub dub, lub dub, yes, but also to that extra moment of silence you too, before replying- No, no doctor, I have no ill habits.
We Watch: Your lip twitched when your mother, our patient, told us she did not miss a single day of medication- Yet her BP remains at an all-time high.
We Feel: That sudden gasp, when your knee buckled when you shifted your weight from one leg to another.
We know the medication you take for joint pain has adverse effects that may blind you, and yet, you refuse to accept you take anything.
We hear you out: And then, in 2001, my mother-in-law insisted I visit Vaishno Devi, and I fell off from the mule’s back, and my left eye has been hurting ever since.
We accommodate: A familiar scene on a public holiday. Just as I am about to shut my clinic, a man walks in…
Me: Sorry, it is time to close the clinic.
Him: Doctor, it is an emergency.
Me: Oh, alright. What seems to be troubling you?
Him: My eys are itching.
Me: Since when?
Him (Matter-of-factly): Since 6 months.
Oh, and did I mention- We play sleuths? Just as the man with the emergency itching eyes leaves, I notice a movie ticket that has fallen from his pocket(Probably, when he extracted a kerchief to wipe his eye, immediately after I told him not to repeatedly wipe his eye.)
The ticket told me more than the patient would- it was for a show that had just been over. I am sure, they must have halted the movie midway because Mister had emergency itchy eyes!
Ask any doctor you know- they would have lost count of the number of times people have consulted them on the phone, at odd hours, including the dead of the night- for things bothering them since before 3G internet was launched. We have lost count of the number of times our kids got picked up late from school because a patient turned up late- the reason being, that they had to go pick up their kid from school!
We have lost count of the number of times people have undermined our knowledge earned with sweat and blood, by challenging us with Google facts. And we have lost count of the number of times we have bounced back, sometimes with humour, but mostly with goodwill.
We have lost count….Forget it! I’m sure Count Dracula was a doctor, who was disturbed once too often for free advice- so he turned insomniac and drank blood instead of asking for fees!
As you all know, Unkle Mark, of Mark Blockerbug fame has decided to block all links to my blog. So, I’m posting this blog right on my wall. Note, how cleverly, I wrote an entire rant to the society, on behalf of doctors, and never once mentioned violence on doctors.
Because talking about that would go against community standards. Beating up doctors, on the other hand, is acceptable.
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